Tuesday, 13 December 2011

I've Got It UP!!!!

Yes, me AGAIN, blowing through your Blogrol like a big gusty wind round a chimney pot on a dark, dark night. I have been told to expect wind of an exceptional nature on Thursday AND this is not a reference to Mr Beastie's chick-pea curry. Britain is to be battered by stormy weather... will there be anything left of Scotland come Friday? Will Santa be blown off course and end up delivering a sack full of iPhones and Xboxes to a bewildered Muskox in the Artic? Let's hope not.
Meanwhile, this is the last post in my blogging marathon; I was going to do a write up of my toileting experience in Minehead, but a) I've forgotten what it was like and b) that's not really very festive is it?

So, here is my tree... the one you didn't think existed... it is too big to go in the space provided in the previous post, so I have put it here instead.


This tree is about twenty years old... and so are the decorations! Let's just say that back in the early nineties the look of the traditional Victorian Christmas tree was all the rage... and let's face it the more lights, tinsel and shiny bits on a tree the better!

And I think it's only right that I finish this Christmas themed marathon with another Christmas tune... this one was the UK Christmas no.1 in 1954 and was no.1 for 5 weeks. Let's hope our current X Factor winners can do as well.



Erm... think I ought to go and write some cards out now... and perhaps buy some presents.... where is the Baileys?

Monday, 12 December 2011

Christmas Tree....!!!!

Yes, me again, popping up on your blogrol or Google Reader like a pulsating pimple in the middle of your face on the eve of a Christmas party. Apologies. I expect you are sitting on the edge of your seats waiting for me to reveal the wonder that is my Christmas tree...
Okay, see this space...



Space



...this is the space where a picture of my Christmas tree will go when I have found and decorated it. I also have to find a celebrity to turn on the fairy lights. I have contacted Mr Beastie but he is under the weather with Manflu, made more complicated by a funny rash... and a funny walk...
Anyhow, I hope that by the end of today I will have the above space filled with a picture of my Christmas tree.
As an aside, and probably only relevant to those in the UK, did anyone see Black Mirrors on Channel 4 last night? Rather chilling. It was written by Charlie Brooker and Konnie Huq. It has just dawned on me that the two lead characters were loosely based on themselves. Chilling indeed.

Anyhow... tree to find.... tree to decorate... And tomorrow will be the last post in my blogging marathon and we will all be able to breathe a huge sigh of relief.


Sunday, 11 December 2011

All I Want For Christmas is a New PC....

This is the fifth day of my blogging marathon, she says, smiling through gritted teeth... and I am popping up again on blogrols and blog readers like a mole hill on a manicured lawn, but let's cheer ourselves with the knowledge that this bizarre experiment will be over on Tuesday. I'm surprised I've got this far. I know what I'm posting on Tuesday [kind of] and today was simply going to be a picture of the freshly decorated Christmas tree in my living room... but since this doesn't exist yet, I can't show you. Maybe I will do the tree today. My tree is a fake one. It came from Woolworths in 1992, so it has seen better days, but by the time I've covered it in tinsel and baubles it barely shows that it's bare. Every year, since 2005, I get it out of its shabby old box and think I really should throw it away, but to be honest I'm a little bit sentimental about it now. Maybe I will have pics tomorrow.
Meanwhile, I have already had a trauma this morning and have already turned the air a scarlet shade of blue. My pc reminds me of the first black and white television my parents owned, which had to be turned on at least half an hour in advance of any programme we wanted to watch; as a child I recall staring at a horizontal black line going down a snowy screen, over and over, before a picture would appear. So frustrating when waiting for the Woodentops.
It takes twenty minutes for my pc to warm up, if I rush it then it goes a bit crazy - security icons flash, warning of great peril, inferring that I'm not protected and that world's going to end, or some such... so I start repeatedly clicking on things and swearing... and we all know that repeated clicking is never going to help in a computer related incident...weird windows pop up... the timer thingy whirls around and around... this morning I had to log off and start again.
Anyhow, I'd better get on... sort this tree business out etc...

Saturday, 10 December 2011

Charades!!!! Let's Play!!!

It's Saturday and this is the 4th day of my blogging marathon, I'm still here, posting away... Bloggers are notoriously quiet on Saturdays, they tend to go off and do other things... like have a bath, change their socks, restock the fridge... they filter back to the Blogosphere at 7pm [GMT] on a Sunday evening, refreshed and erudite. I know this, I have watched this phenomenon.
Anyhow, today I promised Mr LX and Nick that we would play charades; I will make this as simple as I can and describe the actions I am performing for each word or syllable and rather than doing the action for film or book etc, I will tell you.... otherwise this will get very silly. Right, here goes, please concentrate and fully engage imagination.

It's a film.

It has 3 words.

First word: I am making a 'T' sign with my index fingers.

Second word: I am stroking my earlobe [sounds like]. I have positioned both of my hands at either side of my head. My index fingers are pointing up, but the tips of these fingers are bent forwards. My body is now bent slightly forward and I am charging towards the wall.

Third word: First syllable: I am now strutting across the room and pointing at my chest area. I have now strutted across the room three times, still pointing at my chest area...

Third word: Second syllable: I am holding my hands together and then moving them apart [this means that I am lengthening the first syllable].

I hope this is clear. You are allowed to ask questions in the comment box, to which I can only answer yes or no.... unless you ask an unrelated question, i.e, Scarlet, what did you have for breakfast this morning? And then I may give you a food related answer.
To aid your efforts I may add a visual clue later in the day, just in case you are struggling.

To get us in the party game mood, here is a totally unrelated Youtube. This IS NOT a clue... yet it sort of fits... but don't let this remark distract you....



****UPDATE****
Wendy has guessed correctly!!! It is now her turn - this is Wendy's charade:-

Here's one, it's a film:

Opens whole hand 4 fingers and thumb.
[Five Words]

Puts hands next to each other, palms facing down, then each hand simultaneously moves to draw a virtual circle.
[Whole thing]

Pulls two dining room chairs and places them next to each other facing forward.


Sits on the right hand chair with hands in front, each clasping an invisible something. Then moves the hands slightly up and down keeping the distance between them the same.


Legs are stretched forward, feet sticking up, gradually lowering the right foot. Turns to look at the left hand chair.


Jumps to the left hand chair and waves left arm around, then picks nose, then moves to put both arms around the neck of the invisible person in the other chair and kisses them.


Well, I think this will have me puzzled for the rest of the day.... Sx

Friday, 9 December 2011

Instructions For A Wet Weekend In The Countryside or Scotland

1) Visit a local cutting edge, trend setting fashion store such as Mole Valley or Scats.
2) Stand transfixed and slightly in awe at the plethora of weather proof jackets and coats they have on offer.
3) After much contemplating select a weather proof garment and team with a fetching pair of green wellington boots to create a new look that is both stylish and elegant.
4) Go for a walk to test weather resistance of new outfit.
5) Fall in ditch.
6) Drown.

Thursday, 8 December 2011

Rapturous?

I smoke outside on the patio; I don't smoke indoors. This is fine, I don't mind and it gives me a chance to get outside for some fresh air. Smoking outside has its benefits - I get to hear things that non-smokers don't. Such as the dinosaur. Yes, the dinosaur. I say dinosaur because I can't describe the noise this creature makes in any other way, I can't even mimic its call. It sounds reptilian, I only hear it at night... it makes a single call up the musical scale - kind of like a smooth rattle, and then is silent... sometimes it sounds very close, which is a little unnerving... and I imagine that if I look upwards I will see double lidded raptor staring down at me from the guttering. Like something from the film Jurassic Park.
This all sounds a bit potty. I mentioned it to somebody, and he looked at me as though I was a bit potty, especially when I did the mimicking thing and made a sound like a choked up pheasant/peasant [whatever]. And then one night he heard it too and we looked at each other and mutually mouthed the word 'dinosaur'. But it can't be a dinosaur, so what is it?

Wednesday, 7 December 2011

Hanging My Stocking on the Wall

I have been musing, whilst Z has been pondering the benefits and disadvantages of blogging on a daily basis. I have never blogged on a daily basis, at the height of my blogging frenzy I may have managed three posts in a week, but these days I can barely get one up once a month.
I do admire bloggers who have the stamina required for the dailies; I don't actually believe I could deliver, BUT... I am going to try, for one week only... starting right now... just to find out what it's like.

Today I have mostly been hoovering my crevices in preparation for tinsel.

Here is a tune to cheer me on my way.... and I think I promised I'd play this for Mr Logs...



It's okay, you can slap me now.

Sunday, 27 November 2011

Sunday Music [like wot Mr Mags does]

Dusty round here innit? I wonder who left that curled up banana skin on top of the telly? Ahhh... I have found one velveteen sling back... the other must be knocking around somewhere, which must mean that I am very nearly ready to go stumbling over the cobbles once again.

And, as a warning, beware my new doorman, he is generally friendly but he also knows how to be a bit of a Beast.....





Please note, this Youtube has absolutely nothing to do with the above paragraph. I just fancied a tune, it being Sunday an all.

Friday, 28 October 2011

And now a bit of peace and quiet....

I am now on my extended blogging break. I have taken the previous post down cos it really wasn't very nice. Anyhow, I am often asked for tips on successful blogging and I always say:

1) Be involved, but don't get TOO involved.

2) Always wear kitten heeled sling-backs that go clacketty-clack over the cobbles.


If only I'd stuck to both these tips then all would be well now.

Thursday, 27 October 2011

Real Blog Revelations....

I closed my blog because of Dave East. Since 2009, I strongly believe that he has been masquerading as a female blogger called 'Jane P'. We, meaning me, Rog, Zoe, Macy, and Roses worked this out Sunday night/Monday morning... after hell of a lot of detective work. As Jane P, We believe Dave pretended to be a young woman who had had several cancer scares. Kaz and I were two of Jane's commenters.
Dave was also a commenter, and I was led to believe that he offered Jane help and support through her difficult times. I thought highly of Dave because he had been so caring and supportive of Jane.
Recently, Macy asked me whether she should go on a blog meet with Dave and without hesitation I reassured her that Dave was a kind and caring individual... I also told her how wonderful he had been with Jane.... but now it turns out that Dave was Jane all along...


The Jane blog has now been deleted, but I feel rather soiled by the whole thing. And livid, as I totally believed that I was commenting on a blog of a young lonely woman who was afraid of being diagnosed with cancer. Jane also used to write about how lovely Scarlet was... and about how wonderful Dave was... and that Dave and Scarlet should really get married and live happily ever after - no Dave, that was never ever going to happen.

In Dave's defence, he does suffer from debilitating illness and he is lonely, but this does not give him the right to con other bloggers. I was quite fond of Dave, he was one of my most regular visitors. He does have the capacity to be very witty and entertaining. I don't believe he set out to deliberately hurt anyone and he is very afraid of his deteriorating health. Perhaps he couldn't say this as Dave. One of Jane's most poignant lines was simply: I'm scared and alone.
And now, because of all this he probably feels even more scared and alone. Something that does not sit well with me.

If Kaz was here today I'm sure she would be pissing herself laughing, she might even suggest that Dave should stay in touch with his feminine side and that he should make a huge comeback as Jaunty Jane the nubile nun from Norfolk... then at least we wouldn't have to read all the dreary cricket posts.

I am still feeling rather shaken by this incident and will be taking an extended blogging break; I think I should move on now and chalk it up to experience.


This is for Macy, Roses, Rog and Zoe. Dave's theme:

Wednesday, 19 October 2011

An Astonishing Thought

I have had an atstonishing thought and have decided to share it here before I forget. You know how people get good and grumpy about the grocer's apostrophe, i.e the apostophe that belongs to the grocer... well, I feel that this grumpiness is unfounded.
This is how the grocer's apostrophe works:-

Me to Grocer: Good Sir, how much are your finest cauliflowers?

Grocer [originally from South East London]: Cauliflower IS £5.50 each, luv, d'ya wanna feel?

If we think about this grocer's linguistic tendencies, then signage saying 'Cauliflower's £5.50' etc, would be quite correct. Wouldn't it?

I have no idea how much cauliflowers cost, btw, or whether they need to be felt. AND, perhaps I ought to keep my thoughts to myself in future...?

Saturday, 15 October 2011

Blog Revelations - REVEALED!!!!!

Oh for pity's sake, Jimmy is not Mapstew, Mapstew is not Jimmy. Daphne Wayne-Bough IS an incredibly posh lady from Kensington who pretends to live in Belgium. Gorilla Bananas IS really a panda. Scarlet Blue IS not ginger. Madame Defarge IS a florist in Iceland - no, not that Iceland - I mean the one in the shopping mall in Nork Rise, Surrey. Mrs Pouncer DOES live in a flat above a chip shop... but not in Reading... it's in BASILDON. Dave East IS Benny Hill's younger brother - which explains a lot, I think. Ponita IS Canadian. And a nurse. Macy IS Scottish. MJ DOES like young men with clothes on. Mr Beastie isn't actually that keen on bananas, but can do tricks with a cucumber and a wet flannel. Roger Peacock IS Ian McShane. Mr Scurrilous IS scurrilous. Pearl IS a pearl. Mr LX DOES have large candy. Mr Mags DOES have a large brain, although in a foreign language. Roses only drinks tea and her dressing gown is baby blue AND it is not fluffy. Princess IS an excellent seamstress and finally, Pat DOES have a lovely new sofa.

Of course, I may have got some of this wrong, but really, does any of this matter? Just so long as we  can exchange comment over a cup of tea and a biscuit, does it matter?

I doubt anyone is reading this blog anymore, but here's a tune to relieve me of my headache just in case there is.

Tuesday, 11 October 2011

Whatever Happened to Baby Scarlet....?

 ...or Shrek... no matter, there has been a terrible, terrible incident... whilst driving Mr Beastie home from his washing up duties at Cafe C, I stopped and instructed him to get out of the car to open the palatial gates to the manor house where we both reside [he in the cellar and me in the penthouse apartment - there is no funny business going on here]... and lo... tragedy struck! I accidentally put my foot on the accelerator instead of the brake...  and I ran him over. I reversed... then shot forward... reversed... shot forward... etc, etc, you get the picture....  Poor Mr Beastie now has a lightly sprained wrist and will have to spend the rest of his days in a wheelchair.... and much, much worse than this is that Mr Beastie was clutching Mr C's Golden Pussy to his bosom in a protective manner at the time of the accident and now the ornamental statue is in bits and pieces all over our gravel driveway. I have tried superglue, but Mr Beastie still can't wiggle his fingers.


Other news: I am having a lot of bother commenting on blogs with embedded comment boxes, so apologies if I have failed to hack my way into your box. I think this is a glitch on my pc rather than anything to do with Blogger.

Any more news? Teeth woes ongoing... erm... World financial meltdown.... Global unrest.... no, can't say there's anything new....

Tuesday, 6 September 2011

Guzzle Puzzle...?





I have these just before I indulge myself with a sherbet fountain.

Thursday, 1 September 2011

Wendy's Flush

Oh blimey weird new interface on Blogger.... And a guest post! From pal Wendy at Wendy House. Here she tells us about a rather glamorous toileting experience in Reading... which is good because all my new ones seem to be from the West Country... or Exeter. I will hand you over to Wendy...



Venue: Abbot Cook, 153 London Road, Reading, RG1 5DE
Website: The Abbot Cook in Reading Time and date: 1.07pm, 14/08/2011
Weather conditions: Sunny with torrential downpours.

Cemetery Junction, is a well known Reading town traffic black spot, but getting caught-short in a traffic jam isn't a problem for people with insider knowledge. I'd recommend pulling into the Abbot Cook for a wee visual, treat. There's no missing the cheerful visual splash at the end of the bar! A textured vibrant mural across the toilet doorways. Squinting does help to find the polite 'Ladies' and "Gents signs on the golden doorframes.


No scent wafting from the doorways [flowery or potty] is a good sign. When on the other side of the doors it takes a couple of minutes for your eyes to adjust to the darkness of a black room with white fittings. I pressed my nose against the OCD-thrillingly clean large black tiles. Sparkling reflections on all walls, sinks, mirrors and dastardly-efficient hot-air hand-dryer, confirmed the local vampires don't hang-out here. Safe. The cubicle equipment is a disapointment compared to the colourful then black entrance experiences. A white toilet bowl, plastic sanitary disposal bin and do-it-yourself bowl-brush does the job, providing no more thrills. Despite the little let-down, I'll be returning on another weekend for a Sunday lunch, live Jazz and a vampire-free dump.


Thank you Wendy! Luckily I have another gust [or guest?] post from Mr Lax on standby to break up my fixation wih Devon loos. Meanwhile, I am still very busy. Sx

Sunday, 21 August 2011

Synchronicity

This time last week I read an article about how social networking deprives people of the real life experience of synchronicity, and I thought, yes, that's probably very true. But since I read this I've stumbled across synchronicity through a multitude of blog posts. I've had a peculiar week, and to be honest, I find too much synchronicity a little unsettling.
There is only one way to dispel myself of this unsettled feeling and that is to write three unconnected paragraphs to break the curse. I will pick the first three pieces of text that I have to hand.

1) A favourite tune from iPod:



...though I like The Fun Boy Three version better...

2) An Extract from a diary written in 1980 by a 15yr old:

....Mike tried to work out my eye colour, greenish yellow. YELLOW, I howled. Mike's got nice eyes. Pity he's so big headed. He'd be quite nice if he had manners. Second lesson was science, we kept telling Mr Ashley that we didn't know what transition elements were. He gave us a test, the highest mark was 5/10 by Sue. I got 4/10, he wants us to manage 15/20 next time, he'll be lucky, I'm sure.

3) A passage from a music essay:
....By polyphonic, he means that the composition has a texture in which several parts, in this case, instruments, intertwine, each having its own melodic line. This is also known as counterpoint. The term 'fugue' also refers to the different instrumental parts entering the piece of music successively in imitation of each other. The 'brief motives' he refers to, are the short musical phrases or ideas. The use of counterpoint gives this piece a mechanical sounding rhythm, to some it may sound discordant or jarring to the ear....

Damn the synchronicity. It is after me I tell you. I will try again next week.

Other news: I will be very busy next week and won't be able to comment manically on blogs like I usually do. I will return with a toilet story very soon though.

Sx

Sunday, 14 August 2011

The Sunday Scoop

Venue: Carluccio's, Princesshay, Exeter, EX1 1GJ
Time and date: 1.00pm, 31/07/2011
Weather conditions: Overcast

If you want to spend a penny today then why not pop over to Carluccio's in Exeter? This is a splendid Toileting facility set within a popular eating establishment. Each toileting unit is individually fully furnished and well equipped with everything that the adventurous toileter should require. There is even an abundance of shiny chrome.

Highlights of visit: Very clean and spacious enough even for those of us with sharp pointy elbows. Excellent Niagara-esque flush ability.


Lowlights of visit: Mirror placement is difficult to negotiate meaning I had to clamber onto the toilet seat to re-apply my lipstick, which was a little awkward.
The overhead lighting casts a warm glow, giving those of us with naturally fair hair a gingery hue.

Overall Score: 8/10



Friday, 29 July 2011

The Friday Flush

For today's Friday Flush we are visiting the toilets on the top floor of the Army and Navy department store in Exeter.

Time of visit: Monday 25th July 2011, 12.20pm. Weather conditions: Sunny and warm.

This is a thriving toileting facility within the heart of Exeter; it has a light, bright, congenial atmosphere conducive for a good toileting experience, although it is somewhat let down by the decor, which is drab, tatty and hints at mould growing on the window frames.
This facility is popular with ladies who lunch/shop/work/watch Coronation Street and like ice cream. The average age of users is between 12 and 76. This facility is also popular with women who like sandwiches and bakery products bought from the adjoining Army and Navy Cafeteria. Toileting is free although cakes cost extra.
Due to the popularity of this venue it was difficult for me to take photographs of the public area or the hand washing/drying facilities without drawing attention to myself. My furtive activities were further hindered by the janitor [a man], who was mopping the floor.

There were approximately six cubicles for private toileting. I am under 5ft and weigh 7 stone but I found the cubicle to be a little narrow.


As you can see from the above photograph this cubicle has been used by too many short women with pointy elbows who have caused the toilet roll dispenser to be displaced.


The lock on the door worked, but was less than attractive.


Unfortunately it took several attempts to flush this loo properly.

General Overview: I found these toileting facilities to be of a basic standard for the UK. Overall they were clean and smelt pleasant due to the abundance of aroma sticks artfully arranged in small vases by each sink. Water came out of the taps when operated, which was neither too hot, cold or warm. Soap was provided. The auto hand-dryer was adequate if a little antiquated and did not double up as a hair dryer. There was a wall mounted baby changing table which was dusty from lack of use.
Would I visit again? Yes, due its proximity to the Clinique and Estee Lauder beauty counters on the ground floor.

Overall score: 5/10  Basic facilities.

Friday, 22 July 2011

The Friday Flush

At last I bring you the much anticipated *drum roll* Friday Flush!! Which is my new 'thing'. My new thing that I will be doing every Friday. And today is Friday!!!

Every Friday I will be posting about a lavatory that I've visited during the week. It might be a public toilet; it might be a Ladies in a restaurant... or, if I'm feeling daring, it may be a urinal in a pub. To cut a long story short, the Friday Flush is about loos and ablutions.
BUT, I will also be grading the porcelain and will be giving marks out of ten for the following attributes: cleanliness; convenience of use [i.e whether there is an ample supply of toilet paper in easy reach]; smell; decor; hand washing/drying facilities; state of repair [i.e whether the locks on the doors work] and most importantly flushability [self-explanatory - none of us likes to leave ugly reminders of our visits].

So there you go [no pun intended], and to get the ball-cocks bobbing, let's have a look at my plumbing...




Please note my shiny faucet.

Obviously, these toileting facilities are of a very high standard and will set the precedent. BUT, I only give myself 9/10 because I don't like my towels.

If there is any other grading category that you can think of, then please let me know. Thank you for your patience. Sx

Monday, 18 July 2011

Do Your Thing...

Recently I have begun to feel quite left out as everybody seems to have a weekly 'thing' going on except me. For example, MJ has a whole wad of weekly 'things' such as Filthy Friday and Wenis Wednesday... and it is possible that she will soon have Tuned Up Tuesday [featuring highly strung instruments of an erect constitution] and Mopped Up Monday [a series highlighting the merits of the Dyson crevice attachment when used inappropriately with fluids]. And it's not only MJ who has a 'thing' or two... Mr Joey has Wardrobe Wednesday, where he gives us a flash of what's going on inside his closet; and Dave does this weird 'thing' every Sunday where he slaps pictures of score boards into his post and rambles on about leg-overs and cream teas - I haven't quite gotten my head around Dave's 'thing' yet, but I always try to do my best and leave a comment.
Anyhow, I want a weekly 'thing'. And a 'thing' is what I'm going to have. So on Friday I will be bringing you something new to get flushed about. I promise. And maybe, when I'm feeling better [been feeling ever so slightly mopey lately], I will get my head in gear and write another advert post...

Sunday, 10 July 2011

Headaches

I am beginning to believe that the series Star Trek was extremely forward thinking with its Borg and Ferengi characters. The Ferengi people were dominated by the desire to make as much money as possible, whilst the Borg wanted to assimilate everything in sight. Somehow I'm making a connection between Borg, Ferengi and the social connectivity/manic marketing on the internet. Am I the only one who is seeing this... or am I having a funny moment?! And is resistance futile? Where is Mr Coppens to answer these questions????

Meanwhile, I have plans for this blog!!! Exciting plans with lots of revealing pictures!!! There will be cleanliness!! There will be KNICKERS... it might all turn out to be pants....

And a tune, let's have a tune....



Then again... where is Mr Coppens to explain this post?

Wednesday, 29 June 2011

Filled

I have just had my tooth filled. A painless procedure but my mouth is now numb and I can no longer pout or dangle a cigarette from my lower lip [some may enthuse that this is a good thing]. I am, once again, eating mush. I'm sure the feeling in my lips will return shortly, but for now I have an unattractive embouchure, which is incapable of blowing a horn. Tomorrow I will be capable of putting something harder in my mouth.
I will keep you updated as to my progress. Meanwhile I will be playing air saxophone along to this, which will be a great improvement on the sound I usually make.

Friday, 17 June 2011

The Blog Crush?

I will be indisposed for the following week; I will do my best to pop in occasionally - I will be lurking. Meanwhile, on the subject of lurking, I was recently stalking someone researching an important subject on the internet when I came across the phrase 'Blog Crush'. I think I've had a couple. Some quite bizarre... Anyhow, whilst I'm away, please feel free to 'fess up your fantasies in my comment box. Your secrets will be safe here. And I might even tell you mine....

Here is a tune to get you in the mood.



**UPDATE** 15 comments on and only the barest hint of a revelation. Good heavens, where has all the romance gone? Think Romeo and Juliet; Scarlett and Rhett; Mark and Cleopatra; Napoleon and Josephine; Jack and Vera; Bill and Ben....

Shall we talk about Custard Creams instead?

Monday, 13 June 2011

Mystery Blogger Competition

A few weeks back I had the honour to meet up with a fellow blogger. I don't remember much about it but it led to a curious update on my Facebook wall at 3am, which read as follows: Drumk as a skunk.... but not yet sick. I'm going to regret this. Younger people would have passed out by now. This update may be connected to my long winded post about getting older... anyhow, I have found a picture on my phone that I took on the evening in question...


Can you guess who it is yet? People have been asking after him. As you can see, he is very well and in fine fettle.

There may be a prize for correct guesses... Yes, I am giving away limited edition prints of my strange yet illuminating photography. They will be signed, obviously.

****EXCITING UPDATE****
Yesterday afternoon I did a print run of 50 copies of this inspiring image... but my fingers got in a muddle on the photo-copier and I now have 5000, so anyone who comments here today [and yesterday] is entitled to an exclusive signed limited edition print. Simply email me with your address and I will send you one. Apologies, but it won't be framed.

Monday, 6 June 2011

No Baths Necessary

image from

It is now possible to buy 72hr deodorant. A deodorant that will last three days. This is jolly good news especially as there is a drought forecast for the UK this summer - we may get thirsty but at least we won't get smelly.

Wednesday, 1 June 2011

Growing Pains

No, I am not ginger. I am GREY. My hairdresser once described the back of my head as looking like a badger's arse. Which was nice. I'm not grey all over, not yet, and with help from my hairdresser I have been keeping it at bay. I chose to go blonde - so that the regrowth isn't so noticeable. Recently I've realised that blonde doesn't really suit me and so I have now chosen to embrace my natural red undertones with some subtle copper low lights. I feel better for it. I no longer look like a corpse.
So why do I cover the grey? Cos I don't want to look old.
I read a book this weekend called To Hell In High Heels by Helena Frith-Powell, which covers her journey through all the anti-aging procedures you can imagine. She didn't try all of them but thoroughly researched those she didn't. Fairly close to the beginning of the book she describes a treatment on offer at the La Prairie clinic in Switzerland whereby clients can opt to have injections of a youth enhancing concoction that is harvested from the livers of unborn lambs. Apparently there is a whole sheep farm dedicated to this purpose. When the female sheep is in the late stages of pregnancy she is taken to an abattoir and killed. The lamb foetus is taken to the clinic where cells from its liver are taken to use in the injections. People who've had these injections claim to feel revitalised and full of energy. I imagine that somewhere there is a mad scientist working with this research and wondering whether the results could be improved upon by using a human foetus.
Anyhow, my desire not to look old will never extend this far; it will never extend beyond hair dye and face cream. I am far too squeamish to contemplate surgery or needles, even if I had the money. Recently I was involved in an incident where some young people saw fit to draw attention to my age [trust me, they paid the price for their silliness], and I was a little hurt. With hindsight they weren't exactly the most attractive young people I've ever seen. One of the young women was blessed with an awful lot of puppy fat, topped off with a pair squinty current bun eyes. Did I ridicule her for this? No I didn't. Exchanging personal insults never aids a discussion. My point is that youth doesn't necessarily equate with beauty. Where does this idea come from? I wasn't jaw droppingly gorgeous when I was younger, so I doubt I'm ever going to be - even if I decide to have my jowls sewn up behind my ears, being jaw droppingly gorgeous is an experience that I'm never going to have.
The conclusion the book came to was that it's impossible to reclaim your youth, the best that you can do for yourself is to eat a healthy diet and take a moderate amount of exercise; limit alcohol to the odd glass of red wine and STOP smoking. And always wear sunscreen. And get plenty of sleep... basically work with what you've got... and if you've got glorious red locks stop trying to be a brassy blonde... there is nothing less attractive than fighting your own natural colouring. And when you see 50 looming over the horizon, when your jowls are building a long term relationship with your neck, comfort yourself with the knowledge that not all young people are visions of loveliness either.

Friday, 27 May 2011

Spat Out!

Back from the dentists. He was a very nice man. I have a temporary filling and have to be referred to the hospital as the wisdom tooth has to go. Apparently the wisdom tooth has been pushing through, but skin from the gum and cheek have been trying to grow over it; because this has been going on for ten years there is a considerable buildup of scar tissue. The dentist said that he'd never seen such an extensive buildup. I imagine he was marvelling at how well I'd coped with it, either that or he thought I was an idiot. He was also curious to know where the wisdom tooth on the other side of my mouth was. I don't know. Never had a sign of it. I think I might have noticed if it had been pulled out?  He couldn't get any x-rays as my mouth wouldn't open, but at the hospital they will take the x-rays from the side so I won't need to go through the palaver of having something stuffed in my mouth. I will have to wait to find out when all this happens. The good news is that this bit will be free on the NHS. Other than all the things I knew about, my teeth are in pretty good nick! But I will be taught how to floss.
One other thing worth mentioning is that he said that I was TOO YOUNG to have chronic jaw problems. Today I will glorify in the description of being TOO YOUNG. It will make up for last week, won't it Mr Beastie.... *mutter, mutter*

Wednesday, 25 May 2011

Chewed Up

I woke up and my mouth was locked in the closed position. I remember thinking that it was some kind of joke and that it was only temporary. It wasn't. I was eleven. My mum, although possibly delighted with the prospect of having a mute daughter, took me to the doctor and then the hospital. Plenty of X-rays followed and finally the hospital dentist gave me a set of exercises to perform for whenever my jaw seizes up. My jaw seizes up on average once every three or four months. This is fine, it's a minor problem to live with, obviously I'm a bit rubbish at blow jobs but I try to make up for this in other ways, i.e I always do the washing up and have developed a unique fingering technique. I digress. Yes, a locked jaw is a minor problem to live with until an impacted wisdom tooth is added to the equation. All this unpleasant activity happens on the left hand side of my mouth, hence I tend to chew on the right hand side. Again, this isn't too much of a hardship. Well, it wasn't too much of a hardship until a filling fell out on the right hand side making it almost impossible for me to chew anything at all. Food is being liquidised. Fish fingers are being sucked up through a straw, and I am grateful for the abundance of smoked salmon and scrambled eggs that is on offer at the finer breakfasting establishments. I am in pain. A lot of it. I am in so much pain that I even have an appointment with the dentist on Friday. I haven't been since 1999, which should give you some indication as to how bad I'm feeling.

Sx